I've designated today as "The Worst Day of 2008"-- Sun, Sept 14th, 2008.
Anyways, "The Worst Run I've Ever Had" was today, and it didn't start off too well... I woke up at 5:30am and was rushing/speeding to get to my practice on time at 7am. It was way down in Palos Verdes, not the usual close Santa Monica location. Anywho... I realized when I got there that I had brought everything except my Nike+ sensor that you stick into the iPod. So this was practice #2 in a row that I didn't log my mileage.
Well, I got there and we started running... my YouTube crush was there and she ran with us and actually did a great job. She was last in our group in the beginning, but ended up finishing #2 overall, whooping my ass at #3. Before the run, I was concerned that she was going out with this one musician that she collaborated with (they looked like they were together in their last video), but then during the run she was talking about how she had some meetings this week with people who wanted her to star in reality tv shows... they were pitching her ideas about how she'd have a fake boyfriend, etc.
So when she mentioned a "fake boyfriend" I thought this meant that she didn't have a boyfriend, and that I shouldn't be worried about the musician. But something was a little different this practice (and I think maybe even the last practice 2 weeks ago that she went to)... I don't know but I wasn't getting a vibe.
Anyways, the run was really exhausting and I was tired throughout. I used to be able to run 15 miles no problem, but what happened? Anyways, she was way ahead of me at the end. Finally I finished and was obviously tired and stretching and not feeling well. I was stretching my back (by bending down) and I overheard her talking to this one girl who was in the entertainment industry. The girl was an assistant and talking about her job when my YouTube crush said that her BOYFRIEND was doing the same thing. I heard her voice and I was like "dammit that's her voice saying that"... she said it twice and I felt sick. On top of that, her boyfriend is a writer and doing the same thing as me. That guy is really lucky.
Anyways, I should've listened to my other friend who said that he thought he heard my YouTube crush saying that she had a boyfriend in the beginning of the season. There was no mention of a boyfriend at all until now. Dammit... all this time she had a boyfriend. All that wasted effort, attachment, and getting my hopes up. I felt so embarrassed (cuz I think she knows) but seriously-- I know it's terrible to say this but I was a fool to think that someone like her would ever be interested in a guy like me. I'm embarrassed cuz I really thought there was a great chance. I really do not understand women, and this is not the first time this has happened. This girl though is very different from the past failures; it might take some time before I get over this one.
Anyways, right when she said this I kept my pose (bending towards the ground) but I felt terrible. I actually tried walking around cuz I felt a little dizzy and my arms and chest were all of a sudden numb. It was a sickening feeling. I immediately asked the assistant coach what time it was and said that I had to go and then just left. As I was walking away my YouTube crush said bye to me and I just waved at her without turning around. It was a tough walk to my car, partly cuz we did 18 miles, the most I've ever done in my life. I was sore, tight, but also heartbroken.
Anyways-- after I drove away I was thinking about it so much that I missed my first turn and my backup turn that I would've taken if I had missed my first turn which I did. 2 turns! I just kept driving straight into nowhere. I had to pull over eventually and take out the Thomas Guide to figure out where the hell I was. Getting lost made me very late in coming home, and I was going to go over to my in-laws place to watch the Bears game with my brother (that's a whole different thing but we got into a little fight over the phone cuz I thought the game was at noon, but it was at 10am, etc... that didn't help the day). Plus the Bears lost. Fuck that.
Anyways, the worst day of 2008 is when I ran the worst run i've ever had. A couple of people I've talked to have brought up the positives in all this and that it was out of my control, yada yada... but seriously, I never want to like someone cuz I know it always ends up like this (but it's hard to control emotions/feelings). No good ever comes from liking someone.
Anyways- now I don't even feel like running anymore, but I'll continue to go and do it. This day and run has taken the shine off my marathon training experience to be honest. I mean, I ran 18 miles today and wasn't happy about it. Call it corny, but I felt that if I had completed this marathon it would be an example to me that anything is possible (and same goes for if I ever ended up with my YouTube crush)... but even if I run and complete a good race I don't believe any of that now. 26.2 miles? Who cares!
Anywho-- I'm really REALLY motivated to like, finish and sell my script before next week's practice. That'll show her writer boyfriend. Dammit. Sorry for the long post but I'm really bitter and I'm sorry but I haven't gotten any in 4 years. What the heck? Do you know anyone who has had a dry-spell that long? It's pathetic. What's wrong with me or them or me and them? Dammit. I really don't feel like running anymore. This day sucks.
Anyways--- here are my results... ran 18 hard stupid miles in I dunno about 3 hours or so = ~10 min slowass pace = burned a ton of calories but wasn't hungry. Whatever. It's all meaningless to me now. Sorry for ranting and writing lots, but I'm just trying to do anything to feel better about this.
Sincerely,
Andrew "The Most Failed, Unsuccessful Piece of SHIT Guy In The World" Horng
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